The Civil War

// Huljic / Wherry : Claudine – Maksim  

First of the many resolutions, done. To get rid of the things that annoy me. So, I got my final two wisdom teeth removed. The last time I did that extraction was about 10 years ago. You know, those carefree days, of lounging, sleeping in, just chill, movie nights and relax. I mean, what was there to worry about? Exams? Not enough time to complete a project? Cats peeing around the house? Or being cheated by the boyfriend you’re not even in love with. Heh. Seriously though. I miss being a student.  

Looking back on the last decade, it’s important to note what I’ve achieved over the past and how I got here. How I should be grateful with all the blessings that God has showered me. There’s no success without failures and regrets, and most importantly without the support from those around me, most importantly my parents, I am nothing without them, I’ve seen how they went from up and down, best to worst and, how they got back up again. Incredible, and I should never take this for granted, I got to pay it forward. Which means, bigger responsibilities.

I found a letter that I wrote back then, envisioning my life in 10 years. Which is now. My life turned out alright, like how I imagined, but not specifically. There are things that frustrate me, I missed out on many opportunities, not taking chances, struggled with depression when I was abroad, tried the hardest to hide it, successful. You know, such radical changes tend to bring a lot of anxiety. And when you depend so much on people, they abandoned you when you need them the most. Yea. Sad. I guess these are all parts and parcels of growing up. 

Anyway, despite having it all, I started to feel alone and empty. Here’s the thing about self-comparison, you feel the need to have something more than you already had. Nothing is ever enough. I pretend to be someone I’m not, which has no authenticity in that and it’s a constant challenge. I’ve lost the freedom to do whatever I want. Feeling hopeless with my own situation, grow embittered about how things are and what’s possible about my future. Perhaps I have a certain expectation on how things should be like at first. Then I lower down the expectations to suit the predicament, or stop altogether to prevent further disappointment. Ergh.

This toxic feeling that makes me want to lose my mind – which I’ve already lost. I try so hard to do the right thing. And it wears me out. I need to address some issues that are important to me, and fix em. Like not putting up with other people’s bullcrap and not trying to be a different persona just to look like the real thing, it’s exhausting.

I’ve got to love myself and get back that smile.  

And so it begins. I look forward to the next decade. 

// Best Part – Daniel Caesar , H.E.R